Products for the Super Paranoid


Dumbest products aimed at the super paranoid

For $500 you can dress your pet up like a baked potato to keep it safe from disaster. The Pet Emergency Evacuation Jacket comes with a handle to carry your pet  to safety, as well as several built-in storage pouches, because it’s important for you to be able to carry around your cat in a fire retardant pouch while he thrashes through most of it with his claws foaming at the mouth like a rabies infested wild beast, and be able to hold your stylish sunglasses and iPad.  Not to mention the vest is flame-retardant, but it doesn’t cover its legs or face.



For $1,400, you can strap a harness of two-and-a-half-pound self-inflating cushions to your back that will instantly swell up in response to any sudden movements. The obvious drawback is that the Personal Airbag can really only help you if you topple over backward. If you fall face-first into the concrete floor of Costco, the airbag can do nothing but add its extra weight to your fall. Also you could never get this away from your younger brother who idolizes Steve-O (the drunk Steve-O, not the sober Steve-O) from constantly flinging himself backward or performing the fall of trust off your garage with no one to actually catch him just to make it inflate and bounce him off the floor.


If you've ever panicked over being slowly poisoned to death by invisible beams of radioactivity, the RDTX Pro Portable Radiation Detector can easily be attached to your iPhone, bringing you consistently accurate radiation-level readings for up to 96 hours on a single charge while resting handsomely in a convenient belt holster that lets people know you’re a complete weirdo.   Just  wave the wand attachment around like you’re doing a Harry Potter spell to get a reading, which is displayed on the screen of your smartphone on a color-coded meter -- green for "safe area," yellow for "elevated radiation," and red for "both the phone and your eyeballs have melted onto your face."


The FaceKini is a nylon bodysuit that protects against 99.9 percent of the sun's ultraviolet rays and comes in a variety of colors that will make you look like a terrorist with a taste for fashion.  So if you really want to impress that boy at the beach this summer, strap one of these babies on and look like a luchador wrestler because boys love wrastling. offers their Zombie Extermination, Research, and Operations Kit, or Z.E.R.O. for only $25,000.  This kit doesn't even come with any guns, which you would think might come in handy during a zombie attack, but instead it’s loaded with camouflage outfits so you can hide or do a pretend apocalypse fashion show with your friends, a couple of toolboxes jazzed up with neon green ZOMBIE logos, and 600 batteries for your rent-a-cop flashlight you can try and scare them with.  Now aren’t you glad you have this instead of grandpa’s rifle which he would’ve given you for free to simply blow their undead zombie flesh feasting scum heads off?